Remembering World AIDS Day

Eleven months ago when I was an empty nester for almost 3 months. I was reflecting on my friends of past who impacted my life and taught me so much about the gift of gratitude and the gift of living.  One of my good friends succumbed to AIDS in 1995, as did his partner in 1992. His partner was an incredible advocate for educating and building awareness around AIDS in Alberta.

I knew little about AIDS until it was part of our family. In the 1990’s the culture of fear and stigma surrounding AIDS was horrifying for those living with AIDS. Many people died or succumbed to AIDS, however the stigma was so great that those living with AIDS were not truly honoured in their death. Times have changed, a little, I hope my friend and his partner can see how far we have come in treating AIDS and how many do not die now as they once did.

My friend, did not have the love of family in his final days. It was his partner’s family who would care for him into his passing. I wrote this piece about my friend and our friendship. Today I am sharing it again in remembering World AIDS day this December 1st.

In the beginnings of my seasonal melancholy reflective state I want to read all my unread books, nap more often and enjoy my love of daydreaming. As I think about AIDS World Day, I am thinking of past kindred spirits. I think of the ones who I still connect with as thought time never passes, or those who said they would never leave me and have since moved out of my life, or to the many who have finished their living here and moved on in their spiritual journey. I wonder what makes some of these friendships so strong, engaging and meaningful and others just passing flings.

Whatever the case, I want to share with you what I thought of my long ago friend who succumbed to the AIDS / HIV illness of mind and death of body, when I wrote:

“Dear Friend” in 2013:

“I miss you and think of you often, lately …

I think of sitting, holding hands and talking to you …

I miss our closeness and the deep–deep conversations we enjoyed.

Our simple times and memories of the ones we loved and their funny ways …

Our frustrations, our happiness, our hopes …Lost dreams!!

Death and dying are knocking.

I miss you dear friend and think of you often, again and again …

I remember mostly holding you in my arms …

Rocking you as I would rock my babies …

You wept uncontrollably … wanting your own mama …

A woman you felt abandoned you …

You were dying and wanted to be with those who conceived you …

But their hearts were severed from you so long ago …

And so, we mourned a life you would never live.

I miss you dear friend and think of you often, my memory fading …

We found each other and found a path we travelled together …

You introduced me to “Way of the Peaceful Warrior” …

A book I could not embrace as I thought it uninteresting …

But you died and I embraced ever word, and …

I could see you so clearly reading each word, each page, each experience.

I miss you dear friend, as I have never had a friend like you again …

I meet and know many people and none have loved  me as you once did

No one hears my cries, or me, like you would …

No one knows what to do for a hurting soul …

No one cares for me like you do …

Mostly no one sits with me in silence, enjoying “in-the-moment” and memories.

I miss you dear friend, as life seems to be one steady challenging climb …

The mountain is higher than I first imagined …

The mountain keeps growing as I get closer to the top, or so it seems …

Work is hard on me and no longer enjoyable.

I miss my love and passion for the tons of stuff I love to do.

Others, I hear, dream of doing what I do; thinking what they could do better …

I smile and think someday – but no one will ever be like me …

And that is what they will miss.

I miss you dear friend and it seems so long ago that you were here with me …

The years have past, and there was no other to see me deep with-in …

No one to look beyond the looking glass …

Some day soon I too will join you and those we know who are walking with you.

Life is for the living, and living is not always for everyone …

AND we all return to what we know, and a new beginning.

I miss you my friend and was thinking of you often – for now.”

I am reflecting again as to how far we have moved in society.  At times there continues to be hatred and distain and people still do not know how to forgive or to think of what is best for each of us.  There is STIGMA attached to many of our false beliefs of what we do not know, or what we do not clarify. I see often that as a human race we continue to think horrifically of anything we do not know, and wish to remain ignorant of.  I too will make judgements based on my knowledge and experience.  I say this because 40 years after recognizing December 1st as World AIDS Day we are still addressing stigma and ignorance when those living with AIDS / HIV illness need our unconditional love and compassion.

As a Kokhum / Grandmother it is a blessing for me to be slowing down and at times being on my own. When we are young we do not want to see the role of our ‘old’ people and how the wisdom of the old peoples ways is worth listening to. My connection to Spirit grows and I find more forgiveness in my heart for all that I did not know or want to learn from the old people before me. Some old ones continue to guide me from the world beyond and they are with the many ancestors who help us all when we are open to their teachings.

Today is a new day.  Full of potential wonder, connections, and who knows what will really unfold.  May your Soul and Spirit be refreshed with love, kindness and caring as you remember all that makes you who you are today and always.  Love in Spirit, Alexis.