The HOUSE in my Dreams

It takes me a while to write again when I share at times. Sharing my stories in my head seems clear and easy but when I share through this blog it is tough. I have come to learn that we all filter everything we do through what we want, what we like, and really, how we think the world should revolve around each of us individually. I will often relate to someone else’s writing through my own experiences … my comments are generated through my own lens.

Lately I find I am wanting to leave situations or people I have come to know. I keep returning to The House of Dreams I wrote in 2005, which is what I wrote as a turning point in my healing. Here is an updated edited version of my house of dreams:  “I have a re-occurding dream. Usually the main characters are my ex and myself. I use to think this dream was about him. The house I built with him was being changed. Except there is a peace and serenity about the dream that made me realize that the house is symbolic of me, my mind and where I am spiritually. My ex was a soulmate for just a period of time. For years I truly thought he was the one for a life time, but in my developing state this was an easy misconception to believe.  Spiritually I believe we are connected but he is stuck in his less than developed self and is unable to connect with me as I continued to learn, grow and surpass his expertise.  His present partner, who occasionally enters in my dreams is a decoy, as she is essential for him to remain where he is.

What I have grown to like about his dream is the house and its landscape. It is a beautiful handcrafted log home. The walls are made of mature well-aged trees skinned and polished. The logs fit interlocking with each adjacent match. They are hand crafted with love and patience and time.

In my first memory of this dream the upstairs loft is reconfigured–welcoming and suitable to my desires. The bed is strong and well placed luring tranquility. I am reminded that the bedroom for me is my sanctuary. It gives me warmth, peace, and comfort. It can also be a room where I find immense joy and happiness. It is a place I will one day share again with the strength and grace of a soul matching partner, and for now it is my space of tranquility.

Periodically my children join me in my sanctuary. Less as they are growing into their individual beings. These moment are precious to me and I treasure them.  In reality they would join me always on a Saturday or Sunday morning, and in my dreams they follow a similar pattern with baby and I reading and snuggling. Then daughter #2 or twin A, hears us up and reading, she approaches and crawls in beside baby. Daughter #3 or twin B, staggers in finding a spot of comfort, curling up her long legs smiling and closing her eyes as she is content in her moment snuggled against her twin sister. Lastly, daughter #1 stands in the doorway wondering why we are all in bed together. She lies her long body across the width of the bottom of the bed, and dangles her legs . We are all here now and we are complete. In my dream, my girls and me, this bond is strong. My ex has never been part of this closeness … on our own we are impenetrable.

The other noticeable moment in this first dream is the dining room table. It stands high and is wide. It seats 12 comfortably. I walk alone, first along its length, turning at each corner dragging my knuckles along the grain feeling its smooth, well-craftsmanship. I return to my thought of my ex and his present moment. I wonder why two people content with each other never use such a beautiful space. Then I am reminded that it is not about him, it is about me. The table is waiting for the welcoming souls to energize its space with upbeat loving companionship. I think of the multitude of losses in my life, and think of a gathering of souls at this table. We continue to move forward in this journey. Another night I will dream of my house and it will lure me in again.

The second dream is of the same house but it is no longer tall, it is long and well grounded. Set in a setting of mature coniferous and cedar trees as the smell of pine, spruce and cedar penetrate the air with every move I make. People are arriving as there is a gathering. I seem to know many of these people or at least they know me and are comfortable with my being here. There is much music, fun and enjoyment. It is a place where people like to gather as they feel they belong. The crowd keeps growing. There is a welcoming energy as people mingle, dance and share time with one another. I see him and feel love for him but have no memory of our hatefulness. We are comfortable with each others presence. He has finally grown again and we meet like we once use to be. I smile and give thanks for how blessed I am.

This house in my dreams will one day be mine. I think of my dream as my journey, it is where I am at in the spiritual world, or for some that parallel universe. I mingle with many people. The grief I once felt has left me as I embrace the love and support my ancestors and relations give me to continue to be that vessel of love for others to heal. I linger briefly with each person, touching the pain, releasing the hurt and finding their love that keeps them going. I am part of their life for a fleeting moment and a small connection for their lesson to continue along their journey.

My third and final dream I am losing the essence. I remember what was in the house. Things were in their place. The dining room table is ready for feasts and laughter. My new partner, my four girls, his children and me are preparing to sit at the table. Our children have found their paths. The table will grow as there will be many of us with all the future children and partners we will bring into our hearts.

The house in my dreams will soon be my next reality. The inner beauty and exterior strength exudes such peace, warmth, laughter and love. It is a home that shouts ‘all is well in the world’. In our moments of life to move forward we have to die from the past that holds onto us. We can remember but there comes a time to let go of yester years for all our tomorrows.

My mother is waiting. She loves me and helps me. She longs to hold on to me and hug me like she once did while I was a baby.  She would bury her face in my breath and together we would breath the life she wanted for me. To be strong and know that I am loved. My path moved away from this knowledge and now it is returning. She is waiting for me and she loves me. When I see her in my house I know I am now at peace with the love I missed and longed for in her soul. She is my breath and the air that I breath.”

The more I journey and find peace the more I love the road I am traveling.  I have trouble connecting with those who want me to remember the pain. I had to forgive to find love and I love what is mine each moment and each day. I will continue to be that conduit of change for those who want to heal and move forward. Others will remain where they are most comfortable. I may see them again and for now I give gratitude for our time of journeying together. It is ok to move forward with love, kindness and peace.

Thank you to all who have been along this road with me. Love & blessings, Alexis.